Crazy English

We’ll begin with a box,

and the plural is boxes;

but the plural of ox

becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose,

but two are called geese;

yet the plural of mouse

should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse

or a nest full of mice;

yet the plural of house

is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man

is always called men;

why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot,

and show you my feet;

and I give you a boot,

would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth,

and a whole set are teeth;

why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that,

and three would be those;

yet hat in the plural would never be hose;

and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother,

and also of brethren;

but though we say mother,

we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him;

but imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim!

Let’s face it,

English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant,

nor ham in hamburger;

Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

We take English for granted,

but if We explore its paradoxes,

We find that quicksand can works slowly,

and boxing rings are square.

Why is it that writers write,

but fingers don’t fing,

grocers don’t groce,

and hammers don’t ham?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that

You can make amends,

but not one amend?

If teachers taught,

why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,

what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think

all people who speak English

should be in an asylum,

for the verbally insane.

In what other language

do people recite at a play,

and play at a recital?

We ship by truck,

but send cargo by ship.

And how can a slim chance

and a fat chance be the same;

while a wise man and

a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language,

in which a house can burn up as it burns down:

in which You fill in a form by filling it out;

and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing,

If father is Pop,

…